:: Monday, August 22, 2005 ::

Turn and face the strange

I've been meaning to do this post for at least a week now, but I've kept putting it off. But time marches ever onward, so here goes. It is time for me to leave Sweden, and my thoughts and emotions are all a-jumble.

I've had a whirlwind year here, and I've enjoyed every minute of it. Overall, my Master's program was interesting, if frustrating at times, but never more than I could handle, and I did quite well in it, too. I got to live in a beautiful, friendly country for a year, through all its seasons (from the long winter to the way-too-short two-week summer!), and visit several different regions within it. I also got to visit four other countries (from the Czech Republic and Poland to Finland and Estonia), and meet many wonderful friends from even farther afield. And of course, I met my very own Polka dot here too.

It's been a dream come true for me, and I think the past year has been one of the happiest in my whole life. Sure, it was hard leaving all my friends and family behind in the States (although some of them moved on themselves in the past year, perhaps making less sorrow of the parting), but I made new friends here, and it was something I felt I needed to do. I was very unhappy with my life in northern Virginia, and I came to Sweden looking for something else: I'm not sure exactly what, but maybe it was a fresh start, maybe a renewal, a recharge of my spiritual batteries, or maybe just to experience new places, people, and things. And whatever it was, I think I found it, or it found me.

So now that I'm leaving, what does it mean to me now? How do I feel? Aye, there's the rub. I'm sad to go, most definitely. I really do love it here. I've found Sweden to be more of a home to me than the U.S. has been for a number of years. And yet...

In the past couple of weeks, I finally finished my Master's program, writing my thesis and successfully defending it (at least I think so - I still haven't gotten my grade). I got to see all my friends again, coming back for their defenses after going home for the summer. Summer in Falun had been a bit boring, although my parents visited me for a few weeks and a few of my friends stayed in Sweden for the summer like me, but suddenly it was just like it had always been, with everyone back and partying and studying and so on.

But then everyone left again. Even the ones who had stayed all summer. And this time, I knew they wouldn't be back in a few months. We had all spent our time here, and were now parting ways, going back to our respective home countries, to continue studies, find a job, or whatever. Except me. I wasn't going back home (I don't even really consider there to be a home for me to go back to anymore), and I was staying in Sweden a little bit longer before I left. And as Britsen once more emptied, this time for good (at least as far as we're all concerned), I found myself with conflicting feelings.

With everyone gone, I discovered I no longer really wanted to stay in Sweden any more. I mean, I would still like to live in Sweden, but I've already made plans to go elsewhere. Everything and everyone I care about is now somewhere else, and being all alone in Sweden wasn't as attractive as it was a year ago.

But at the same time, I'm nervous and worried about the future. Close friends and family know how much I fear change, and this time around is no different. But wait, wasn't moving to Sweden in the first place a big change? you may ask. Yes it was, of course, but I was leaving somewhere I didn't want to be, where I wasn't happy, for someplace I did want to be where I thought I could be happy. And I've never felt that way about Sweden. My reasons for leaving have everything to do with continuing to be happy and experiencing new things and nothing to do with not wanting to be here.

The Czech Republic is new to me, terra incognita. I have nothing lined up except a one-month teacher training program. What happens after that? Will I find a job? Will I actually be able to get up in front of a class and teach them English as if I actually know what I'm doing? Will I be happy there too? Will I be able to learn Czech, or will I bumble about in a strange country where no one speaks my language? I don't know. And I fear uncertainty even more than I fear change.

On the positive side, my Polka dot is already waiting for me in our new flat in Prague, and we'll be living with a Czech friend from the program here and her boyfriend. And at least two other friends from our program will be in Prague as well, for a few months at least, and the distances in Europe mean that a lot more of our friends won't be so far away at all. Of course, saying and doing are two completely different things, but I hope I haven't seen the last of many of my new friends here.

So that's where I am now. Sad to leave Sweden, but ready for now, eager to meet new challenges in Prague, but a little afraid of them too. I don't know how long I'll be there, or what I'll end up doing. My future, it seems, will be forever cloudy to me, with no more than a year or so ahead planned out. But if I stay happy, and don't settle for contentment, I guess I can live with that.

"Contentment is always bought at the price of one's liberty: that is what distinguishes it from happiness."
--Kenneth Tynan

Tomorrow, I officially move out of my room in Britsen, and Wednesday I leave Falun and Sweden for Prague and the Czech Republic. I would like to come back to Sweden again; I'm ready to leave for now, but not for good. I love this new country too much. But then again, I may find Prague to be even more of a home to me. Only time will tell.

That being said, I'll be away from the internet for a while. I'm not sure when I'll have internet access again in Prague, so this space will not updated for a few weeks at least. But check back, because I will update from Prague as soon as I have the chance. And hopefully I'll have email access at my school until I get internet hooked up at home, so I won't be completely incommunicado.

So to all my friends and family around the world, please keep in touch, wherever you and I might be.

And finally, farewell to all the friends I met in Sweden, and to Sweden itself. Farewell, but not goodbye. You will see me again.


Final Swedish word of the day: adjö, which means "farewell"

:: posted by Rob 10:38 AM [+] :: 2 comments
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Shave and a haircut, two bits

In a recent fit of lunacy (perhaps under the influence of my Polka dot), I shaved off the last vestiges of my goatee, exposing my chin to the light of day for the first time in decades (or at least years). Having subsequently regained my senses, it is now growing back. But for those of you who didn't have the pleasure of actually seeing me for my two or three beardless days, and for those of you who always bemoan the fact that you can't see my chin or that I'm hiding something (that means you, Mom), I present the following picture (courtesy of my Polka dot). Enjoy it while you can, because never shall it be seen again.



Swedish word of the day: skägg, which means "beard"

:: posted by Rob 10:29 AM [+] :: 1 comments
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Gotta wear shades

I have finally finished and handed in my offical Master's Thesis entitled, A New American Socialism: Introducing Social Democracy through Social Credit. Woo-hoo! Months and months of work, all finished! I still have to defend it at the end of next week, but for all intents and purposes, I have completed my Master's program. And this degree will probably do about as much for me as my History bachelor's. ;)

In related news, I have also been officially accepted into the teaching certification program at the Oxford TEFL school in Prague starting August 29. Now I just need to find an airplane ticket, give notice that I'm leaving my student room in Falun, pack up my stuff, figure out how to ship it there, etc., etc.

The future is moving right along!

Swedish word of the day: slut, which means "done," "finished"
Get your mind out of the gutter!

:: posted by Rob 3:16 PM [+] :: 1 comments
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