:: Saturday, July 09, 2005 ::

Rockets' Red Glare Redux

In honor of the the recent Fourth of July holiday and as substitute for the lack of fireworks at my own Independence Day celebrations here in Sweden (although a friend did bring sparklers, so it wasn't a total wash), I'm posting the following selection from Drink at Work, the blog of Francesco Marciuliano, writer of syndicated comic Sally Forth as well as his own webcomic Medium Large.

So without further ado, I present The Drink at Work.com Childhood Guide to Celebrating Independence Day:

In a world where children are routinely discouraged from setting off fireworks on Independence Day, going trick-or-treating on Halloween or even tackling their own wild turkey on Thanksgiving, we at Drink at Work.com would like to recall a less anxious era when explosives were well within the reach and rights of those who had yet to achieve full motor skills. From sparklers to M-80s, the following guide to consumer incendiary devices is our way of celebrating those glory days when every small boy or girl could let freedom ring so loud that it left them with a lifelong case of tinnitus.

Sparkler: Much like candy cigarettes were once an adorable towhead's first awkward steps toward an adult lung biopsy, the equally harmless sparkler once started a child on the path that could eventually lead to firecrackers. Then M-80s. Then having to count to ten by using the same hand twice. That said, as fireworks, sparklers were only amusing if you had ever wondered what a corn dog would be like if it were made of magnesium. Limited in firepower, lacking in risk and wanting in unbridled machismo, the sparkler lent itself to only three forms of entertainment:

1. Pretending the sparkler was a light saber as you engaged in epic duels while imitating Darth Vader's voice in a prepubescent voice so ludicrously high it made Neil Sedaka sound like Barry White.
2. Using the sparkler to quickly scrawl some incandescent doggerel in the air, such as "This sparkler sucks."
3. Making believe the sparkler was Tinkerbell burning up upon reentry.

...

So the next time you say to a child "Why use a sparkler when we have a perfectly good flashlight you can wave?" or "You know what's really fun? Reading about fireworks!" think back to the carefree Independence Day celebrations of your youth. Then give your kid a crate of cherry bombs and a Zippo lighter, point them in the direction of your neighbor's yard and say, "Knock yourself out. I'll call you when burgers are ready."

Full story can be found here. Read the whole thing - I laughed my ass off!

:: posted by Rob 12:09 PM [+] ::

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