:: Tuesday, May 11, 2004 ::

Cruel Fate Redux

And with the sound of drowning hopes and shattered dreams, my plans for Sweden may be all for naught. I went down to see my folks this weekend, thinking we would be discussing the financing of my trip, which they had already agreed to help with (and for which I am grateful). When I got down there, however, it all went to hell.

It's not that they decided not to help me, it's just that their help may not be enough. The Swedish Migration Board requires you to have a set amount of money with you to support yourself while you are over there, or they won't grant you a residence permit. They don't want you coming over there and living on Swedish welfare or something. Makes perfect sense, and since my parents had already agreed to foot the bill for graduate school, and since tuition in Sweden is free, their money would be used to prove that I had enough to live on while I was there. All well and good.

They had even agreed to give me some extra money above and beyond what was required to help get ready for the trip, like for paying off my credit card bill so that I had no outstanding debt while I was in Sweden. The only problem was I was having to run each thing I wanted to use the money for by them first to get their approval. I had argued that they should simply give me the money and let me use it as I saw fit, and had planned to argue that point further this weekend.

Much to my surprise, when I arrived there, they were all set to not only give me the money, but to allow me to use it exactly as I needed. Exactly what I had asked for, right?

WRONG.

Yes, they gave me the money, and even stated that they wanted nothing to do with the decisions on how it would be used, the only problem being: it's not enough. There are simply too many expenses that must be paid stateside before I can go. Previously, I had thought that certain other expenses they would help cover as well. Not so. Everything even remotely related to Sweden now comes out of my pocket, from the money they gave me (because I sure as hell don't have any extra money of my own). The main problem, of course, is that the vast majority of the mney can't be used; it has to be saved to show the Migration Board that I can support myself while I'm in Sweden, and indeed it will be used to live on while I'm there.

What that leaves is a relatively small amount to pay for everything else, and therein lies the problem. The amount I have to spend won't even begin to cover what I have to pay for. Forget for the moment certain things that I want or think I need for the trip itself: an mp3 player, digital camera, a phone, new shoes, etc. I'm talking other big expenses.

Airfare, there and back (ultimately, of course, I want to stay there, but my residence permit will only be for a year, and if I haven't found some way to stay in Sweden by the end of that year, I will have to come back, so I need to have money for that return trip)
Insurance
Application fee for the residence permit itself
Penalty for cancelling my cell phone contract (it won't work over there, why keep it?)
Penalty for breaking my lease early
And possibly most expensive of all, dentist bills for fillings and a permanent crown that I need to get taken care of before I leave

The list goes on and on, and no matter how creatively I play with the numbers, it just doesn't add up. I'm still trying to work things out, but I honestly don't know if it will work. Sometimes you do all you can, and it's still not enough. I just have to wait and see, and hope that my apartment management company doesn't screw me too hard on leaving, and hope that my insurance covers most of my dental bills (yeah, right).

And there's no easy way to cut expenses. Should I not buy a return plane ticket, hoping that I will be able to stay there, and if not, put it on a credit card which I'll then have to pay when I'm back in the States with no job, no car, and no place to live? Do I play the odds and not get international insurance, hoping that the emergency insurance the school provides will be enough if anything happens to me over there? Do I buy my plane ticket to get there now, when they're cheap (because they are going up the closer I get to the date of departure), only to end up being unable to go and being stuck with a non-refundable ticket? I don't know. I'm hoping that I can get everything I need and go, but it seems almost impossible.

Like I said, I just have to wait and see how much various things are going to cost. So keep your fingers crossed. It may work out all right, but it's just as likely that it won't work out and all my dreams will be trampled in the dirt. I feel that this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity, and if I miss it now, I'll have missed it for good, and then my life will continue to be this utter waste of time and energy, where I'm stuck in one crappy soul-sucking job after another, constantly hating my life and everything about it. I need to get out of here, for my own sanity and well-being. It's like I've been living in a cage, and the door to freedom has finally been opened, only to be slammed back in my face right when freedom is almost within my grasp.

One final note: I'm not mad at my parents, because, ironically, they gave me exactly what I wanted. It's not like they screwed me or anything. It's just that their gift is ultimately useless to me. And that saddens me more than anything else. I don't know if I've ever been this sad before. It's definitely worse than any minor depression I've had before. And ultimately, I think it could ruin my relationship with my parents more than being mad at them would. And that makes me sad too.

Oh well. That's life, I guess. Here's hoping it all works out in the end...

:: posted by Rob 9:39 PM [+] ::

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